Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
