the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
