guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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