come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
