i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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