i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
