I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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