I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
