When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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