apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
