Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hippo gnu deer
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
