Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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