Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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