i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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