I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
