you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is my gift to your gina
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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