Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
