Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
