I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
