Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
