Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
