sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
