sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
