I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
