Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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