I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
