Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
