Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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