A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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