I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
