i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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