and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
