so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
