Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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