Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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