...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
