I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
