I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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