when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
