you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
