I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you traded sex for a burrito?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
