you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
