its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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