i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
