Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
