sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
