Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
