if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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