K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
