your parents love me but you hate me
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
