Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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