I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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