my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
