Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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