I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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