At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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