I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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