I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
