fuck your aforementioned shoe
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
