she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
