I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
