She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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